You are now below the fold. The millipedes welcome you as liberators.
“McDonald’s earlier today announced that it is temporarily closing all restaurants and pausing all operations in Russia. Yes—Russia just became a no-fry zone.”
“According to documents filed yesterday, the House [Jan. 6] committee claims to have a good-faith basis for concluding that [Trump] and members of his campaign engaged in a criminal conspiracy to defraud the United States. They have so much evidence that this morning Trump tried to flush himself down the toilet.”
“Republican senator Susan Collins met yesterday with President Biden’s Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson for 90 minutes. ‘After meeting with her, I don’t think she’s qualified for the position,’ said Judge Jackson.”
“Florida Governor Ron DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks, saying, ‘Stop with this covid theater.’ There’s nothing more on-brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 11, 2022
Note: Caution—this note makessuddnstps.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til spring: 9
Days ’til the International Pizza Expo in Las Vegas: 11
Percent chance that the CBO said this week that the US is on track for the largest one year decline in the federal deficit in history: 100%
Number of tickets MAGA wacko congressman Madison Cawthorn has been issued in the last five months, including two for driving with a revoked license: 3
Year that VW’s electric microbus will go on sale in North America: 2024
Estimated value of a 1969 Hot Wheels version of the “Beach Bomb” Volkswagen bus: $150,000
Letters in “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, the fear of long words: 36
Puppy Pic of the Day: Yeah…
CHEERS to flipping the script. Raise your hand if you’re surprised that the media wasted no time in harshing on the first woman vice president in American history because she didn’t immediately solve all our problems including hunger, war, and cancer, while tap dancing with sparklers in each hand and wearing 9-inch stilettos. Yeah—me neither. Well, here’s a little news flash for the misogynists and their clip-on mics: this week Kamala Harris strapped on Jetpack Two and rocketed over to Poland to kick ass and deliver boom-booms:
She said the US was fulfilling requests to provide Poland with Patriot missiles.
A spokesman for US European Command said in a statement Tuesday night that the US was sending two new Patriot missile batteries to Poland as defensive weapons to counter any potential threat to US and NATO allies amid Russia’s ongoing invasion of Ukraine. Patriots are air defense missile systems designed to counter and destroy incoming short-range ballistic missiles, advanced aircraft and cruise missiles. […]
Harris’ trip is part of the US‘ larger diplomatic push to reinforce the West’s unity against Russian aggression in Ukraine. The vice president is also playing a role in reassuring NATO’s eastern European member countries amid concerns that Russia may have its sights set on them next. … The vice president will also travel to Romania to meet with the country’s president and staff at the US embassy.
And before she returns she’ll stare across the border at Russia and use her eye lasers to set Putin’s skivvies on fire. That’s right, media. Kamala Harris is also the first sitting vice president with eye lasers. If you did your job you’d know that.
CHEERS (or, if you hate it, JEERS) to emerging from the dark times. I know, I know…for many of you Daylight Saving Time sucks. In fact, research shows that for 40 percent of Americans, it takes a week or so to physically and/or mentally make adjustment. But up here in Mainewhere global warming is a hoax, it’s a real shot in the arm to get that extra perceived hour of daylight, and well worth the excruciating childbirth-like pain of losing an hour of sleep. So here’s the deal: make a note to turn your clocks ahead an hour Sunday morning. Or better yet, make a note to tell someone else in your house to do it because you’re sick of always being the one who has to stay up ’til 2am do it.
As usual, Democrats on Capitol Hill will help their Republican colleagues reset their pocket watches. If left to do it themselves, they won’t stop until they’ve turned ’em back fifty years. Oops. Sorry. I mean contracts.
JEERS to sweet sorrow. Sad news this week as one of the most enduring names in the baked goodies industry—Charlie Entenmann—shuffled off his chocolate swirl and rose to meet his maker with the elegance of a cinnamon sticky bun:
When his father passed away in 1951, Charlie, his mother and his two brothers decided to start supplying their baked goods to supermarkets. Their packaging introduced see-through packaging, luring customers for decades to mini chocolate chip cookies, crumbly coffee cake and those classic chocolate glazed doughnuts.
[His] son also revealed a little known fact: His father didn’t have a sweet tooth. “He didn’t eat Entenmann’s cake … He just wasn’t a dessert guy.”
He leaves behind a couple kids, multiple grandchildren and great-grandchilden, and several generations of grateful late-night stoners.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to lending a hand. On March 11, 1941, President Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act into law, which allowed American-built war supplies to be shipped to the Allies on loan months before our official entry into World War II. Not to be picky, Britainbut four pencils and a weather balloon are still unaccounted for. [Uncomfortably long pause.] And we’d like them back.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the glowing-screen haps this weekend. MSNBC digests the Friday news dump(s) between 8 and 10 on MSNBC, including updates on Ukraine. The CEO of Restoration 1 At 10 on HBO, Bill Maher’s guests for Real Time are Kenneth Branagh, Frank Bruni, and some nutty opinion writer from the now-very-weird Newsweek.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. The Player’s golf tourney airs tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on NBC from TPC Sawgrass, home of the infamous “island hole.” Zoe Kravitz hosts SNL, which is actually having a decent season.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a profile of Pete Buttigieg and just what the hell he’s been up to lately at the Department of Transportation. Hollywood trophy season continues Sunday night at 7 with the Critics Choice Awards on the CW. Homer is accused of leaving Santa’s Little Helper in a hot car on The Simpsonswhile on Family Guy the Griffins do their own versions of HBO’s Game of Thrones, Succession and Big Little Lies. Oh, this is nice: the season premiere of Weekest Link is Sunday night at 9 on ABC, with acerbic host Jane Lynch firmly in her element. And John Oliver is back to wrap up the weekend with pinky extended on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This week: Pentagon press secretary John Kirby; Lviv Province Governor Maksym Kozytskyy; former Sen. Heidi Heitkamp (D-ND); George Will.
Face the Nation: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; International Monetary Fund Managing Director Kristalina Georgieva; Allianz Chief Economic Adviser Mohamed El-Erian; Pfizer Chairman and CEO Albert Bourla.
CNN’s State of the Union: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Rep. Colin Allred (D-TX); Sen. Rob Portman (The Cult-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Ten years ago in C&J: March 11, 2012
CH’CHING! to George McNugget. A Nebraska woman sold a chicken McNugget bearing the likness of George Washington on eBay for $8,100.
His legacy has now been slightly revised to: “First in war, first in peace, and delicious dunked in honey mustard sauce!”
And just one more…
CHEERS to the fearsome fivesome. Twenty years ago today, after a grueling selection process involving thousands of hues, shades, pigments and a $100 billion consultation fee for the Pantone Corporation, five colors were chosen to stand watch over America’s shores as official representatives of the federal government’s new Homeland Security Advisory System.
During their first two years, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge changed the alert level ten times, mostly due to the dire threat of Democrats winning elections. Then they stood frozen in time until they were disbanded by the Obama administration in April of 2011 in favor of a traditional old-west warning system consisting of loudspeakers installed on the heads of cattle.
Where are they today? Green is now part of a traffic light in Bismarck, North Dakota. Blue took a job as a “Welcome to Connecticut” highway sign. Yellow is a food coloring consultant at the Brach’s Candy Corn plant. Red is a 4-way stop sign in Reno. And faring the worst is Orange, which is now sitting in a 200-gallon drum at Mar-A-Lago labeled “#45 Tanning Spray. Toxic.” The horror.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?